Hospice

Clarence Rief Eulogy

Clarence Thomas Rief nicknamed Clark by his childhood friends, was born in Manitowoc, Wisconsin in 1935.  His mother, Martha raised her two sons, Clarence and Jack with the help of her parents and sisters since his father, also named Clarence died in a car accident before Clarence was born.  Clarence grew up helping his mother make ends meet by doing odd jobs like paper routes.  Clarence had many friends.  One friend Larry Burkhart met Clarence in kindergarten, and they remained friends for 85 years.  Larry was so sorry to hear of Clarence’s death.  Clarence met Barbara, the little sister of his friend Bob Senglaub in high school.  They married in 1957 and moved to Moline, Il after Clarence graduated from Marquette University and took his first and only job with John Deere.  Free time involved golfing at Mill Creek country club and taking his family to Lake Osakis Minnesota for vacations in the summer. 

Clarence moved his family to West Des Moines in 1975 for a promotion at the John Deere plant in Ankeny. He taught each of the kids to drive.  All of his children were sent to catholic schools and were given their expenses for their first two years of college.  He taught his kids the importance of financial management by having them write the checks to pay the bills for him to sign and balance his checkbook.  He wanted his children to be self sufficient and strong people.  When friends would call on the phone, Clarence would answer with “Is this call really necessary? And the friend was expected to explain.   Clarence liked dogs and cats.  The last dog was named Tory.  She was the best dog and she was truly Clarence’s best friend for 13 years. 

Clarence and Barbara enjoyed 54 years of marriage.  After retiring early from John Deere in 1992, they enjoyed trips to Washington, Colorado, Wisconsin, Minnesota, and Arizona visiting their children and grandchildren.  They lived in West Des Moines from April through October and Horseshoe Bay, Texas from November through March.  They had many dear friends that went out to meals together and traveled together.  Clarence lost Barbara in 2012.  He took care of her as her health failed and missed her greatly.   

After Barbara died, Clarence picked up her job of sending birthday and anniversary cards to each of his children and grandchildren.  He never missed any high school graduations.  His hobbies continued to be golfing and raising Kohlrabi and tomatoes in his yard.  He attended daily mass helping with lecturing and serving.  He renewed a friendship with Rita who he knew from high school.  Rita had lost her husband shortly after he had lost his wife.  Their friendship involved daily phone calls and visits to Wisconsin to see her.  He read the paper faithfully, did house projects, and kept his yard until he was 89 years old. 

The last 16 months of his life, he suffered from Alzheimer’s.  This affected his short-term memory and cognitive skills.  When he left his home in October 2024, he began living with each of his children for a few months.  Each family really treasured the opportunity to help with his care and share in his life.  In August 2025, he moved to Minnesota to live with Jane Marie and Mike.  In December he moved to St Therese Memory Care in Woodbury.  He told his friend Rita that he couldn’t think of a better place to live at this stage of his life.  He enjoyed eating his meals with his new friends, Robert and Dan. 

Jane Marie remembers Clarence and Barbara visiting and going out to see plays with them.  They really enjoyed the British comedies at the Old Log Theatre.  She also remembers golfing with Dad and how patient he was.  He would explain why her shots could be better in a way that was encouraging.  On a golf course, he was in his element. 

Mike remembers the joy of watching a good game of football with Dad. 

Terry and Alyssa remember hearing Tom and his dad talk 3, 4, 5 times on the phone during every Green Bay Packer game, every year.  They would talk about how good or how terrible they were playing.   It was such a special bond between father and son even on occasional days when Clark would say “ok, I’m gonna hang up now”.  Now Alyssa shares this same passion with her own dad and likes watching the games.

Terry’s memory is of Clarence and Barbara driving down to Arizona for visits giving an arrival time.  They would arrive early as Terry was getting the house ready and find her still vacuuming the house. 

Julia remembers Grandpa giving her whisker rubs before he shaved his face when he visited when she was little.  Grandpa would yell at us for slamming cupboards and doors; definitely classic grandpa, and now understands why it bothered him so much.  She also remembers in 2014, she drove down from college to visit Grandpa on St Valentines Day.  They went to church and out to dinner. 

Jonathan remembers climbing the tree at the West Des Moines house and getting paid for picking up bags of pine cones.  Jonathan liked spending a week during the summer at Grandpa and Grandma’s house.  They took him to the state fair and treated him to his first funnel cake.  Jonathan remembers golfing with Grandpa and watching golfing.  One year, Jonathan’s dad, Mike and Jonathan went on a spring break road trip to Texas to see Grandma and Grandpa.  Jonathan wrote Grandpa thank you letters for holiday money gifts and he remembers the 6 page letter that Grandpa wrote of  life recommendations and wisdom for Jonathan’s graduation from high school. 

Joseph also remembers climbing the tree in Grandpa’s front yard, being scolded for using too much toilet paper (something we all remembered), and being scolded for being in the nice living room.  Joseph loved going to Grandpa’s and Grandma’s house and looking at all their figurines.  When Joseph was working as a mover, he stopped at Grandpa’s house when he was traveling through West Des Moines in a big moving truck.  They went out to lunch.  Grandpa’s favorite place was The Waterfront where he would order Seafood Gumbo. 

Samantha remembers making squash at Jane Marie and Mike’s house.  Grandpa asked what that delicious smell was.  When we told him it was squash, he couldn’t believe it.  We asked him to try it and he said “Oh no, I’m not eating vegetables”. 

Teddy and Liam remember being told to quiet down and they remember visiting Great Grandpa at his Memory Care apartment.  Teddy called it Great Grandpa’s little resort. 

Dan Dillenburg remembers hearing his Grandpa singing the song “Oh Lord, It’s Hard to be Humble When You’re Perfect in Every Way”. 

Alyssa remembers the 50th Wedding anniversary party in Iowa, his 80th birthday celebration at the cabin in Payson, phone calls to say thank you when he would send money for birthdays, and his 90th birthday celebration with family in Minnesota.

Sam remembers smoking a pipe with Grandpa at the cabin.  They’d mostly just observe the silence, and it always felt peaceful in a way that only being with Grandpa could bring. 

Jennifer remembers many Thanksgivings and Christmases, watching golf, watching football, going to the Bierstube for root beers, and Grandpa bringing tomatoes that he grew in his yard.  He would ask if we wanted tomatoes and bring a giant bag. 

Harrington, Gwendolyn, Galatia, and Gisele liked how when we were together for holidays, the cat played with Great Grandpa’s shoelaces and then the kids would play with his shoelaces too.  They remember visiting Great Grandpa at his apartment and bringing him art projects to share. 

Vicki and Rich will always treasure the memories of Clark being at their cabin in Arizona, sitting on the deck with a cocktail and enjoying good conversation and nature.

Michelle remembers when she was little and wanted mac and cheese, he’d give her a hard time saying its “poor people food”.  Also showing up to meet all the great grand kids after they were born. 

Nick remembers that one of the last times that he saw Grandpa, having met Nick’s fiancé, her sisters and his brothers, Grandpa whispered in his ear as he was leaving to “look out for your clan, keep them together”.  It was really very moving. 

Clarence lived a good life.  He was fun to be around.  He challenged each of us and insisted that we not be dependent on him but rather treated us like the good adults he expected us to be.  We each love and miss him so much and appreciate having him in our lives. 

Vigil

Clarence. My Father in law for 43 years and 10 months.  Father of my wonderful husband. Grandfather to my four children. Great grandfather to my eleven grandchildren.  You are loved. 

As I sit back in the recliner holding vigil at your side,I listen for each breath amazed at the strength left to breath again. Eight labored breaths followed by a long, eternal pause of twelve to fifteen seconds.  Will he breath again? And there it is again, holding on to 90 years and seven months of living.  There is no rush. Savor each moment of life as you contemplate passing from it. The time is near.

Your daughter sits in another recliner across the room.  Your three sons are down the hall in a family room each of us trying to rest as we think of you and your influence in our lives. You are loved.

It is nearly 2:30am on Sunday morning at United Hospital as we all keep our quiet vigil. 58.5 hours and counting since you suffered a massive stroke to the left side of your brain. You had been working so hard to overcome a devastating infection in your blood that brought us here. It happened so quietly.  The reality of your life coming to its finish line.

 Your doctors read all the test results and worked to help you.  They helped us to understand what happened. The nurses have attended the vigil.  They have washed you and turned you and kept you comfortable as you sleep peacefully through these last moments.  You are loved.

You received the sacrament of the anointing of the sick.  Many prayers spoken and unspoken.  Anticipating a peaceful death in God’s time. A rosary. A Divine Mercy chaplet. Waiting.  You are loved.

Your two other daughter in laws, your son in law, your thirteen grandchildren and your fourteen great grand children love you.  In Minnesota, Colorado and Arizona, they are keeping vigil too. Each thinking of times spent with you and what you mean to them. You are loved.

Jesus has promised that he has prepared a place for you.  A special room in His holy mansion in heaven just for you.  Your wife, Barbara, your mother, your father, your brother and so many other family members and friends too numerous to name or count are waiting to welcome you. You are loved.

Jesus, Mary, Joseph and all the saints are waiting to welcome you.  Clarence Thomas Rief, you are loved.

Lessons from Lois

My friend Lois died yesterday afternoon of old age. She was 97 and a joyful person all the many years that I knew her. For the last dozen years or so, Lois was blind from macular degeneration. For the last 2.5 years, she was in memory care. Prior to that, she lived in her home lovingly cared for by her children, grandchildren and home Healthcare staff. I rarely heard Lois complain if ever.. She might say something self criticizing for her weight which was a struggle for her. Or,, I might hear her say “I could complain but what good would that do me”. During COVID-19 lockdown, I couldn’t see her but I could call her on the phone and chat. It was difficult to tell if she knew who I was or if the many questions she asked were her way to cover her confusion. I loved those talks. Lois was always an encourager, helping me to see the positives in the day. When I would say goodbye and wish her a good day, she would say it was a wonderful day already because I had called.

I met Lois when I met her two daughters Barb and Beth and the rest of the Higgins family as a teenager. Barb, Beth, and I have been lifelong friends. Lois was always cheerful, interested, listened with compassion and generally helped me to feel good about myself. She believed that you offer your advice only when it was really needed. I needed that advice on more than one occasion. My husband and I made it a practice to visit Lois and her husband Dick whenever we were in Des Moines, usually 3-4 times a year. When our children were young, they came with us and visiting the Higgins house is a good memory for them. We were always welcome. When I was in my 30s, I had a tendency to complain about my mother and my mother in law for one thing or another. Lois let me know that wasn’t ok. She said that she didn’t go for the “blame your parents” theme of the time and encouraged me to see that my parents were doing the best they could and I needed to be thankful. Lois rarely corrected me so I was taken aback. I hadn’t realized that my comments sounded so negative. I learned to appreciate my mother and my mother in law in a new way and developed a close relationship with each of them that I cherish. I thank Lois for that revelation and for guiding me to treasure the women that I loved so much.

My memories of Lois include how warm and welcoming her house always was. I always felt like I belonged. She remembered my birthdays and always asked about my parents, my husband, and my children. Lois and her husband Dick, who died in 2013 were a model of a good marriage to us. When my husband Michael and I coached engaged couples for 20 years, we used little stories of how we saw Dick and Lois live out a good marriage. I knew they had arguments like everyone else but they didn’t have those arguments in public. We learned to be supportive of each other and save tough conversations for private time

I lost both my mother in law and my mother in 2012. Lois was a comfort to me. In her later years, she forgot that they were gone and she would ask me about them. For a brief moment, they would be there before I reminded Lois that they had died. My dad died in 2019 the same day that Lois lost her son Doug. Their funerals were on the same day in different states. I couldn’t imagine her pain and hoped that her dementia would ease her pain as she lived mentally in earlier times.

While life has given Lois many challenges, she always focused on the blessings and a positive way to respond. She also always left others with a positive thought. She has been an important role model in my life and I will miss her. From Lois to all of us, listen with love, encourage others, do what you can, don’t take yourself too seriously, be willing to lovingly say what needs to be said, argue if you must and do it in private, look at the positives and live this day joyfully.

Love and prayers,

Mymom

Losing My Dad

Six years ago, I wrote a blog about losing my mom and the impact that has had on me.  Two months ago, I lost my dad.  His care was harder because when my mom died, my dad was there taking care of her.  We were his support and we helped to care for mom but the responsibility wasn’t all on us: my brothers, our families and me.  For the last six years, dad lived with us during the winters and lived at our lake home during the spring, summer and fall.   Each year he would come to our home a little earlier and stay a little later.  This past year, I told him that I didn’t think he should move back to the lake.  He needed more help and we needed to get him to the doctor.  He said he deserved the right to try so against my better judgement, we let him try.

While he was with us, he watched football and westerns on TV.  Every noon, he watched a local show with a Polka band playing music and couples dancing.  He cried remembering my mom and how they danced with their friends on Friday and Saturday nights so many years ago.  They had a friend who led a Polka band in Wisconsin; Jerry Goetch and his Orchestra.  There were many of those examples of ways that my dad would spend time remembering my mom.  He quit eating fish declaring that he didn’t like it (my mom is the one who didn’t like fish).  He watched the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade (he never watched the parade with mom when she was alive).  He tried  (successfully) to tease me like he would tease my mom, just to see how fast he could get me annoyed or angry and then he would laugh.

Grieving my dad’s passing has included grieving for my mom again too.  For the last twelve – fifteen years, I called them every day.  Before mom died, I talked to both of them.  After mom died, I talked to dad.   The calls rarely lasted more than 5-10 minutes but they were a connection; a safety call.  If they answered the phone, they knew that I was ok and I knew that they were ok.  Oh how I miss those phone calls.  Fortunately, I have my children to connect with and you are helping fill the void that I feel.

For the last couple of years, my dad couldn’t really give me his fatherly advice anymore.  For most of my life when I needed advice, I turned to either mom or dad or both of them.  In the recent years, his focus turned inward as he struggled with every movement.  Dressing himself, thinking through any problem that came his way, eating, operating the phone or the microwave.  In the end, he couldn’t problem solve anymore.  If he was wet, he couldn’t think what to do next to change his clothes and feel dry again.  He didn’t want to move or walk or shower, or do any of the things he needed to do to take care of himself.  On his doctor’s advice, we moved him to a care facility eight months before he died.  It was so very hard to move him there.  I wanted him to be able to stay home.  We did try having a neighbor stop by to see him.  That worked well for  a couple of weeks but then the decline was too rapid.  It took three more weeks to get him into a facility.

Dad has had many medical issues over the last 30 years:  back surgery, stroke, heart bypass surgery, rhumetoid artheritis, diabetes, two knee replacements,  congestive heart failure, and a bout with menengitis that really impacted his mobility.  He has been very tenacious through it all.  I remember when mobility issues were thretening limit his independence about 5 years ago.  He had physical therapy to help.  He went from not being able to standup from a sitting position more than once or twice to being able to do 30 stand up and sit down exercises every day.  Those exercises kept him going for 5 more years.  Now it was really time for transition.

He entered the facility  as a short term rehab patient getting assessed for level of care needed and getting physical therapy to determine if he could get stronger enough for assisted living.  His insurance covered the short term care although every 3-5 days, they would cancel coverage, I would appeal the decision and then they continued to cover.  During this time, he saw a urologist, had a mesh put into his leg to prevent blood clots from getting to his lungs, had lots of physical, occupational and speech therapy, and determined that he had bladder cancer.  He was assessed to be in need of 24 hour care.  His cognitive abilities; the ability to problem solve was impaired so that he couldn’t safely live alone.  If he lived with others, he still would require 24 hours of care.  The assessment determines if this individual can evacuate in case of fire, can this individual use a microwave to heat food, can this individual care for his/her own basic needs by themselves.  If the answer is no, then they really can’t live alone anymore.

A month after moving into the facility, my dad had a heart episode.  His heart was giving out.  Since he didn’t have a DNR (do not resuscitate order), they rushed him to the hospital.  When asked about the DNR, he said he wanted them to try once.  He underwent several tests on his heart and his neuro system and it was determined that his heart was at end of life and we changed his order to DNR.  They didn’t expect him to live through that day.  We called everyone to visit him, brought in a priest for anointing of the sick and sat by his bedside.  He looked like death and we believed the hospital staff.  However, our dad wasn’t ready yet.  The next day, he was determined to sit up, have breakfast and get back to the care facility to get strong again.  He went back to the care center in long term care as a Hospice patient.

With this new information, insurance ended their coverage and we used dad’s remaining resources to pay for his long term care.  He wasn’t happy there.  He wanted to move back in with me and your dad.  It was so hard not to just take that path.  I knew that I wasn’t up for 24 hour care and I had my work and my family to think of too.   Last winter was difficult and my dad wanted no part of having strangers come into his home or my home to take care of him.

The facility was beautiful.  He tried to join in.  He ate meals with three other guys who lived there.  He joined in Bingo and Friday afternoon happy hours.  He watched football on TV.  It isn’t a coincidence that he lived to see the season end.  They had a good level of care and yet, he still had to wait as much as 1/2 hour to use the bathroom.  He didn’t like that.  Someone accidentally bumped his foot really hard and injured the toes.  He was really angry about that especially when the injury went unreported.  Instead, they called it ingrown toenails.  It wasn’t until we took him to the podiatrist weeks later that we heard that the injury was caused by bumping or knocking the foot really hard.  It can happen even in the best facilities.  Unfortunately it went unreported.  Sometimes, people don’t report accidents because they fear losing their jobs.  Someone stole his wallet from where it was hidden in his drawer.  Once he couldn’t trust the people who cared for him, he wanted to move.  He insisted.

He spent four of the last five months on Medicaid care supplementing what he could pay for his care.  He had to move into a semi private room and although his roommate was a very nice person, with no privacy there was no longer any dignity in his care.  He said to me that the $2000 per month that he paid for his care,   should have been enough to have a private room.  It wasn’t though, the cost of the room was $9,500 per month!  On Medicaid, he had to take a semi-private room when it became available.

We applied to be transferred to Hospice House supplemented by a grant.  Dad continued to pay the $2000 per month for his care and received a grant for the balance.  He was approved almost immediately and we moved him to the hospice house for the last five weeks of his life.  Medicaid doesn’t support Hospice care by the way.  We were visiting every 1-2 weeks and I continued to call every day.  He wanted to live in Wausau near my brothers or I would have visited every day.

Family support was awesome.  I don’t remember a single cross word or disagreement as my brothers and I worked together to make decisions on our dad’s behalf.  Our spouses, children, and grandchildren were wonderful in their support.  During the summer months when my dad could still travel, we took him for day trips to the lake at least six different times.  The logistics of helping him to travel were hard but he was determined.  He loved seeing the lake and seeing his friends at Saturday afternoon mass at St Francis.

In October, we had a 90th birthday party for dad at the small tavern that is near my brother’s house.  They let us have the tavern for the afternoon.  We brought in food and they provided a bar tender so we could have a real party.  I sent out invitations to all the family and to everyone in his address book.  Over 70 people came.  He couldn’t converse much but he was happy to see everyone and was happy to be there.  He still had a good appetite too.  I was so glad to see every person especially his sister, Carol.  She is about 15 months younger than him and still doing very well.  It was a real blessing to have that afternoon together.

He was stable from June after the heart diagnosis until about two weeks before he died.  We all visited as much as we could.  The hospice house was beautiful and peaceful.  The staff ministered to all of us as we shared in dad’s last days.  On the day before he died, I decided to drive over to Wausau before going on a retreat that I had planned with your dad and our friends.  I just knew I wouldn’t be able to relax otherwise.  On that Friday when I arrived, Steve and Connie were there.  After they left, my dad slept.  He woke for brief moments like when Jennifer wanted to talk with him.  I held the phone up to his ear to listen.  He heard her talk to him and he struggled to get one word out: Bye.  That afternoon, I took time to pray at his side, say a rosary and a divine mercy chaplet for him.  When I left, I said goodbye.  I told him I would be back on Sunday but he didn’t need to stay if he was ready for the place that Jesus had prepared for him.

I drove to my retreat late that afternoon listening to podcasts for work.  I felt peaceful.  Of course you know the rest of the story.  He died that night at 3:45 am in his sleep.  He died peacefully.  They called me right away and I called my three brothers.  He was gone now in his 91st year.  There are no words for that moment.